So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
He literally asked permission to hit on me
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
