did you get engaged???
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
