Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I think I won the penis lottery.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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