He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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