I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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