I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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