Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
