my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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