I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
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