JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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