when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
