grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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