I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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