In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Randomize
