this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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