I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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