Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
