Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
