Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
