Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
