i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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