The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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