The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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