Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
