im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
