That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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