I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
