From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
