yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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