just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
