Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
