Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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