I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize