I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
