I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
