Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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