I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
