i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
