Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize