Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm too high and old for this...
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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