what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
