I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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