remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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