He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
