Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
