Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize