one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
