omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
