i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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