Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
