my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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