If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
