You don't have asthma, your pregnant
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
