Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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