you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
