just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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