note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
