if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Randomize
