my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
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