If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
