remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
